A reflection from the therapy room
Have you ever looked at your partner and, without meaning to, thought about who they loved before you?
Many people bring this question to my attention in therapy, sometimes in a low, almost ashamed voice:
“Why do I keep thinking about his/her exes? I know it shouldn’t matter, but it hurts…”
Jealousy about exes is not a whim or a character flaw. It’s a complex emotion, a mix of fear, insecurity, and our deep desire to keep what we love. Behind it is always this idea: “I could lose something I have now that is dear to me.”
The paradox is that the fear of losing love can prevent us from enjoying it here and now. Instead of living in the present, we get caught between the shadows of the past and the scenarios of the future.
And then difficult questions arise: “Will she or he change?” or “How can I change? Am I a monster for feeling this way?”
What makes us vulnerable?
Currently unmet emotional needs
There’s a saying that goes, “Tell me how you’ve been loved and I’ll tell you how you love.” Our current needs are a mirror of our past needs. When we don’t get enough security, validation, or closeness in the present, the “ex” becomes a trigger for our gaps. Part of us cries out, “If I don’t get this now, maybe I’m not enough for you.”
Fear of abandonment
This fear brings with it a lot of uncertainty and a crushing helplessness in the face of instability. As human beings, we love the stability of our universe: knowing that the loved one remains, that the relationship has continuity, that we have a safe place to rest our hearts. When we feel the threat of loss, jealousy lights up like an alarm signal.
The Inner Critic
Many times, it’s not the “ex” that’s the problem, but the inner voice that tells us: “You’re not enough. You haven’t done enough to keep the relationship. If you don’t change, you’ll be left.”
The inner critic places an overwhelming responsibility on our shoulders – that of controlling what the other person feels and does.
Shame
And when we admit that we are jealous, shame arises: “How can I feel this? I am a monster.”
But we are not monsters. We are people who want to be loved, seen, and safe. But shame makes us hide, just when we need to be welcomed and embraced more than ever.
How can we work with these emotions?
- Let’s look at jealousy as a signal – it’s not a malfunction, but an invitation to look at our real needs. And it’s not just our partner who is responsible for fulfilling them – it’s also us, through the way we take care of ourselves.
- Let’s talk openly – when we manage to say: “It hurts me to think about your past because I’m afraid of losing you ,” space is created for closeness, not distance.
- Let’s quiet the inner critic – we can learn to answer it: “A relationship is not preserved through perfection, but through presence, dialogue, and vulnerability.”
- Let’s transform shame into shared vulnerability – when we let ourselves be seen with all our fears, we often find that our partner doesn’t move away, but rather comes closer.
Instead of ending
Jealousy about exes is not about the past. It is about our inner present and our thirst for security and love. When we learn to look at these emotions with gentleness and courage, we discover that jealousy is no longer a threatening shadow, but a doorway to intimacy and healing. And perhaps, in the most beautiful moments, instead of fearing that we are losing love, we will be able to enjoy it to the fullest.