As most likely couple therapists have already discovered, doing couple therapy is not simple at all – neither for the couple in question nor for the therapist. It takes a lot of balance, it’s like being a dance instructor. Difficult if the enthusiasts don’t have a certain sense of balance, torturous if each partner believes they know best how to dance, and quite risky because, isn’t it, everyone knows how to dance or believes so until the first misstep.
Before becoming a therapist, I was less interested in the technique behind the dance and was more concerned with synchronizing with the dance partner, intuitively and with balance – afterwards, I realized that too much effort in synchronization can affect the dance itself, without a trace of technique, you end up getting tired on the dance floor. This is also true in relationships – especially in couple relationships where each partner believes they know how to dance because, why not, alone at home, with headphones on, our dance moves are like Saturday Night Fever and surprise, in the couple, we end up looking like The Full Monty.
Close your eyes and imagine you’re dancing – don’t you use both legs? Let’s call them the attachment leg and the autonomy leg. Fred Astaire didn’t look like a clumsy stork, no, no – he seemed to float.
Now imagine you’re dancing with someone – we already have two pairs of legs trying to dance fluidly, following the music, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Oh, wait – nope, we’re not like them. Some of us dance on our own, a bit selfishly, relying heavily on autonomy. Others keep chasing after the partner and let themselves be led by attachment.
Like a dance, a healthy couple relationship is a constant balance between attachment and autonomy: if we become too independent, we risk exiting the relationship; if we cling too much, we risk suffocating our partner. Couple therapy can help partners use both legs in a balanced way in the relationship dynamics by helping them become aware of their own balance, memories of their parents’ dance, or memories of dancing with their parents.
(Image@Jack Vettriano – Dance me to the end of love)