I have a special place in my heart for those people who have an “efficient” appearance and seem to function so well that others think they have no problems at all. I understand them and feel their loneliness … I used to be like them once. Their competence prevents them from taking their own pain seriously.
“I have everything, I should be happy, why do I feel alone? And especially – why is this loneliness familiar to me?“
Classic for people who haven’t had their emotional needs met in childhood. Such children become responsible adults who take their responsibilities seriously and most likely feel guilty if they show their vulnerability. Women or men alike, they take stock of their achievements and the positive things in their lives and think that this balance means that nothing can go wrong. However, they cannot escape a deep sense of loneliness and lack the tranquility of emotional intimacy.
Most of the time when they come to therapy, they have already tried to leave their partner or have engaged in romantic affairs that have created the illusion that they are getting what they need even though loneliness has already settled in their relationship. Some simply avoided getting involved in relationships while others decided to stay in relationships for the sake of the children and come to therapy to learn how to control their anger or resentment.
Few, however, come to therapy aware that their inability to be emotionally intimate comes from childhood.
But it’s not enough just to realize where the problem comes from, why loneliness is familiar to them. Most of the time, they need to learn to connect with their own emotions, a connection that is alien to them because they did not experience it with their parents. If in childhood you were trained to ignore emotions and not complain, just resist and cope, you will probably feel too guilty to say what you need and be concerned about what you lack.
Understanding how the lack of emotional intimacy with your own parents has affected you is the best way to avoid repeating the familiar pattern of loneliness in your adult life relationships.