Back to the sand pit
Two children were playing together, with buckets and shovels, at the sandpit.
Suddenly, a heated argument broke out between them, and one of the children ran away, screaming “I hate you, I hate you!” But almost immediately the two returned to the sandpit, playing together as if nothing had happened.
Two adults were watching the interaction from a nearby bench. “Did you see? How do kids do this? Five minutes ago they were enemies.” “It’s simple,” the other replied, “they chose happiness over justice.”
Harriet Lerner – The Dance of Relationships
Harriet Lerner’s metaphor captures the ideal way to reconnect after conflict. Two children argue, yell, walk away angry. But after a few minutes, they return to the sandpit and resume playing as if nothing had happened. They don’t need apologies, explanations, or agreements. They simply choose to reconnect.
Adults don’t do this as easily. In romantic relationships, many partners don’t reconnect until the other person admits they were wrong, that they hurt, that they weren’t right. But waiting for the partner to give in or comply often becomes a way of postponing the reconnecting. And the relationship remains stuck not because of a lack of love, but because of rigidity.
Couples therapy brings this pattern to the forefront. Behind conflicts is often not a lack of feelings, but a form of relational coping: partners wait for validation before they can be available again.
The key question for this moment is not “who is right?” but “What is more important now: being right or going back to the sandbox?” This choice opens up space for repair. And from that point, reconnection truly begins.