Tell me about yourself: who are you, what do you do, where do you live, and what projects are you currently involved in?
You always start with the hardest questions, so that it seems easier for the person being interviewed as time goes by, right? I find this question very difficult, probably because I still don’t know who I am, I’m searching, but in recent years I’ve learned a lot of things about myself that I like and I’m trying to “grow” them. First and foremost, I am a happy mother of a wonderful 7-year-old girl and another one whom I am convinced will be just as wonderful. Motherhood has opened up an entire universe for me; somehow, everything started from that point. My relationship as a couple has evolved in a way I couldn’t even dream of; I didn’t think I was capable of such stability, and I didn’t think that after 8 years, you could say that it’s better than the “butterflies in the stomach” period (so I am also a wife, a woman, happy and fulfilled). Then I deal with the legal aspects of my clients’ businesses; over time, I have “built” malls, residential complexes, office buildings, photovoltaic and wind power plants, and for a while, I was very happy to deal with these “technicalities.” However, in the past year, I started developing another side of myself that brings me more and more satisfaction: psychology.
Tell me about the Mindsight Romania project: how, why, and especially why now?
I didn’t choose the moment, at least not consciously. Like many other mothers from the “new wave,” after the period of childcare leave, when I returned to my career as a lawyer, I realized that it was not 100% compatible with my new values: family time, attention to the child, time spent in nature, etc. So I searched for a way to have a professional activity with a flexible schedule that would allow me to dedicate myself to family activities. I haven’t reached that point yet, but “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
The Mindsight Romania project started from reading a single book by Daniel J. Siegel – I confess I don’t really like the title in Romanian; the English title, “Parenting from the Inside Out,” better captures the whole idea behind the concept, namely that we need to understand ourselves first (resolve our inner dilemmas) in order to become the parents we want to be for our children. Until reading this book, I had read many parenting books and had adopted many ideas that I applied in my relationship with my child, but after this reading, I wanted to learn more and pass on to others what I had discovered. I thus read all the books written by this author, including the two bestsellers on parenting, “The Whole-Brain Child” and “No-Drama Discipline,” and I decided that I wanted to invest time and energy in developing courses and workshops on parenting based on Mindsight principles. So, I rolled up my sleeves, took a course to become a Mindsight Trainer, accredited myself as a trainer (to cover the legal aspect), and eventually started attending psychology courses at university to have an overview… I was lucky to have people around me who believed in me and supported me in this somewhat crazy idea. But it is slowly growing now, and I believe that in the near future, you will hear more and more about us.
In fact, the subject of the conference is DISCIPLINE. What’s more, it’s about how to discipline children (discipline strategies), at home or at school, while at the same time having harmonious relationships with them. From the Mindsight perspective, disciplining children refers to how to transmit values to them and help them build personal skills that will enable them to flourish in their adult lives. When I mention the word “discipline,” people have all sorts of reactions; they frown, tense up, blush… But for me, it’s just a word. What’s important is what each of us associates with it, and I chose to associate it with learning, as Dr. Tina Payne Bryson suggests. Many people associate it with constraints, a rigid and cold framework, physical and verbal abuse, and punishment. But etymologically speaking, in Latin, “discipuli” refers to the one who learns, so discipline equals learning. Whereas punishment comes from the word “poena,” which means revenge. The distinction between the two is even more evident when we talk about self-discipline and self-punishment, the former being a skill while the latter is a dysfunction.
After Dr. Siegel visited Romania in 2014 and presented the basic principles of mindsight to an interested audience, it seemed natural to me to invite co-author Dr. Tina Payne Bryson to deepen them from the perspective of applied parenting. And since the most recent bestseller “No-Drama Discipline” had not yet been published in our country, and the study published in 2015 by Save the Children showed that we are a country where traditional disciplinary methods prevail, the subject was self-evident.
I am a supporter of the concept of good enough parenting and have been trying for a few years to demystify the perfect parent… Have you ever considered yourself a bad mother or even… thought of yourself as a miserable failure?
Every day! I was raised “by comparison”; my childhood friend was often given to me as an example for all her achievements, and whatever I did was never good enough because my parents knew I “could do better.” So many times when I hear about child x or y doing something extraordinary and unheard of (which my child doesn’t do), I tell myself that somewhere I went wrong, I wasn’t attentive enough to guide or stimulate her, or… or… Then I look at her and realize that she is the most wonderful child. I don’t believe in the perfect parent either, but I believe I am the best mother for my children (it helps that no one else is rushing to take this position). Does that mean I’m doing everything right? Not at all. I’ve messed up, several times I’ve messed up badly, and I’ll probably make a lot more mistakes, but I don’t let myself be consumed by guilt and regrets; instead, I come back and correct my course. I just hope that in 25 years, it’ll be confirmed to me that I haven’t failed miserably…
Studies highlight the importance of our own childhood in our relationship with our children. Do you ever think about yourself and your relationship with your own parents when you encounter difficulties as a parent?
I think I’ve built my entire parenting strategy on the principle of “not like this,” where “this” refers to the way I was raised. I grew up in an extended family, with 4 grandparents, numerous aunts and uncles, but I have very few memories of moments spent with my parents, apart from vacations. So the first rule was for my husband and me to spend the most time with the child. Then, when school started, the focus of my education was on academics: I attended French, English, German, piano, and swimming classes, I never missed an Olympiad, I was enrolled in all possible school clubs, including drawing (despite having no inclination…), so I wanted my daughter to receive emotional education as well, to know the inner processes and to have the confidence to express her feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant. These are just a few examples, but in general, I don’t just rely on my experiences. When I face a difficulty or a problem that I don’t know how to address, first of all, I start reading various authors/specialists on that topic, with different approaches, and filter the information through my personal filter, choosing what I think suits me and my child best.
Having a harmonious relationship with children means being a permissive parent?
I feel the need to define what a permissive parent is; from many people’s perspective, I am a permissive parent: in the first 18-20 months of our child’s life, neither my husband nor I ever said the word “NO,” then when she started to explore the world, we tried to let her do it at her own pace and as she felt: we let her get dirty on the floor, we let her eat sand, we let her climb even though my heart was pounding; and today, I let her decide for herself: she does the sports she chose herself, she dresses only in the things she likes (sometimes to my exasperation), but I think this “permissiveness” on my part gives her the necessary space to discover herself and forces me to make the difference between what I want for her and her choice. However, I do not support the permissive parenting style, according to Diana Baumrind’s definition, namely one characterized by increased parental responsiveness accompanied by low rule and limited presence. I believe in limits; I believe Mr. Goe is the archetype of the child who asks for limits.
Permissive parents rarely discipline their children and avoid confrontations. I, on the other hand, believe in rules established by mutual agreement with the child or unilaterally by the parents, when they are for the child’s good. However, rules need to be approached with a certain flexibility, and I believe that sometimes concessions can be made.
I don’t think that imposing limits or confrontations between parent and child disturb the harmony in the parent-child relationship, as long as the disconnection is not prolonged and is followed by reconnection. What I find crucial is to remain authentic and have mutual respect for each other’s needs. When I respect her needs, she learns that she is a person worthy of respect, which leads to an increase in self-esteem, but she also learns that my needs deserve to be respected in turn. The magic of the relationship is to find that point where both her needs and mine (ours/the other family members’) are met.
Thank you, Nora!